| I dont want die i just wanna live |
[Thursday
January 11th 10:20pm] |
duuuuuulllllllllllll drooooooll duuuuulllllllllll droooooooooooolllll
let me just start out saying how horribly bored I am.I hate school.This isn`t to say education i mean i hate my school,every morning i get ready with a grimace and scowel which tends to reflect upon my outfits,except for today cause i was adorable.I digress,Bonny eagle is such a shitty school,someone put deer urine in the heater FUCKING DEER URINE what white trash encompasses my day to day.trash trash trash thorns in my side motha fuckin douche bags looking to trip my every step hate it.It is so boring so routine and so nauseating,such to the point i am not even going to correct the spelling of that.Even worse its not just the white trash tractor driving carhart patriots that disgust me,its almost everyone and im so fucking sick of it to the point that i dont even want to make new friends.I always thought there was something you can take from every single person,but all they are isa collective cauldron of self esteem boosters making me think im better than you you you.I miss having tons of people that i adored in school like katie r the voluptous scurge of the sea and merciless chelsea merson.Seriously,when i was at FSK i always thought "oh bonny eagle is so much better"no oh no no no no oh not quiet gonna eat my soullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll hate it,francis scott key was a much better school and its not just the school either the general area was better,everyone who made my daily life out of legos and bright blues cant wait to go back down,if my drivers test is during that week ill just have to reschedule it.and i love gabby derice,just though id through that out there.Hopefully with cody moving down shit will be alot more ridiculous and filled with sailor moon and sailor songs,rainbows and zombie green.It all makes me wonder why im so set on meca.wont my isolation from my imaginatiooon be just as bad,if not worse from the drudgery of adult hood?
livejournal is awfully theraputic as is the song i dreamt i was an architect.there is something soothing about throwing yourself out there and love songs
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| let me just say |
[Sunday
November 12th 8:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Wandaesque |
] |
| [ |
music |
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neutral milk hotel |
] |
how ridiculous my life is,and i cant tell if it is a in a good way
I really just cant wait till the end of the year,im so bored with maine,i really want to goto MECA and everything but im 95% sure im just going to get an apartment in maryland
REASONING
1.I feel less important up here, it`s like down there everyone loves me more,this is could be horribly inaccurate and just a result of my mood over the past month, like up here I am not someone`s best friend,I am in a group with people as good friends.When in Maryland though its like I`m Lindsay wailes best friend,im chelsea`s best friend, and so forth.I know this sounds ridiculous but im completely comfortable with the fact i need to be needed.I hate the fact that when i am at my house i just dont speak for hours,it bothers me, i need to talk i need to be feel involved but the only people who really call me is lindsay and chelsea,this of course is not including gabby and chriss as gabby lives far away and chriss hangs out with me all the time and both kept up with me when i was in maryland
2.Life in maryland was hilarious and i just have more friends down there as there isnt alot of people in maine.
3.Cold,though i do love the ocean
4.This weekend made me feel so nostalgic for maryland which is funny because i spent it with an old friend from up here,that sassy girl trina.Being around ann made me think of last christmas with benjamin and everyone and it made me think about how i just go through friends like that.
im bored with typing these but yea you get the point
I`d like to point out how its been over 7 months or so since ive been interested in anyone,which is weird to thinking of.No guy has sparked my interest in that long.Im a 17 year old spinster with a green hat and ankle socks socks socks socks soooooocks.
I hate being in AP art because im just not as good as other people.Thats a stupid statement as all art work is depedent about appreciation and appreciation is always circumstantial.People say I am good and i have creative ideas,like the painting im going to do with the lovely Ms Byers but frankly i dont think i have what it takes to be an artist.Maybe in the douche bag mentality but not in the skill
I love how people look.I dont know why but ive taken such an interest in how people look these days,eveyone is so brilliant and rich
Malena and her boyfriend having sex is the cover of a book.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMMASSSSSSS
I AM SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEEKKKKKKK
I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU
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[Sunday
September 17th 10:52pm] |
The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.
Excess of sorrow laughs, Excess of joy weeps.
Always be ready to speak your mind and a base men will avoid you!
Dip him in water who loves water.
Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.
He who desires but acts not, breads pestilence
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| I AM A CLICHE |
[Monday
August 21st 3:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
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absent minded |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tilly and the wall |
] |
LOOK IM MARGARET JOY
so anyways yea its 3 30 in the morning and i cant sleep cause i drank like 900 cups of coffee today
ok by 900 i mean 5 and 3 were black cause i couldnt find the sugar and i was out of skim milk
so anyways yea cant sleep
im in PA right now.This house is alright the ceilings are low though so i hit my head alot on entry ways and i cant go in the basement
not that id want to go down there,its very "city of lost children" looking through the grates on the floor.The walls have cheap wallpaper damask patterns mumble mumble mumble
basically im either hanging out with lindsay or getting drunk with malena and thoooooooosee people yep yep yep 3 47 ghost world is on.
tomorrow im going to get somethings in westminster with miss merson and maybe drive in later with emily and BIG BULL DYKE AMANDA
4 02 dammmmmmmmmnnnn,i go back to maine on the 29th,it`ll be good to get back to school and i need to do ridiculously well this year
even though i have barely made an art this whole summer
4 04 i need to lose weight something awful
heather and i are hopefully joining a gym,they have yoga classes
4 06 i have no interest in dating anyone for some reason
i dont know why,im too worried about this coming year and everything i guess
4 18 i need to find a job when i get back,i dont know where or how
i should be asleep why arent i asleepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
why am i such a shitty friend to everyone
seriously
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| OH BABY |
[Thursday
December 22nd 12:09pm] |
i lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
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| GET IN MY PANTS |
[Friday
November 11th 3:16pm] |
| [ |
music |
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something minty something fresh |
] |
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTTTTTT
IIIIITTTTTTTSS OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
IM IN AEROBICS
now that we got that out of the way
i will be coming up for christmas
i need lodgings
but nessa will being coming with me
so she will need to be able to stay with me
shes amazing youll love her
now it doesnt have to be for the whole week
but also benjamin
hes a foreign exchange student
might come too
now i know someone here will be able to give us a place to stay
you decide
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[Tuesday
April 26th 11:54pm] |
| [ |
music |
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sex is the not enemy |
] |
Some times rain boots are the best solution
and if i could do anything for you id dry out the pond
theres no worries when ophelia has no place to lay own for a rest
are you ok
are you ok ophelia?
your oh so pale now
its alright baby the waters clear i see the bottom and your not lieing on it
dont trust it even its only ankle deep
dont trust the medocrity he wants you to live
your human your human walk in the hills
dont drown yourself in the voices of the masses
stand up before your eyes close baby
it seems so hard,society forsaked you left you in this polluted milieu but will fitting in ever fill you?
dont stop hungering dont stop!
dont drink the water it only substitutes youll never feel satisfied with taking the easy way out
oh ophelia so hot in your buisness suit and owl rimmed lasses
is this the life you want?
your drowning my darling DROWNING!
your skin is so malleable already your a facless statue
is that a leaf on your face?hide the soul in your eyes its hameful they say!
stone sinks in water
stone sinks in water
stones sink
fish stay below
oh ophelia where will you go?float on down the river
around the bend,shake hands with charon?
learn to swim ophelia
dont die this day
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| run my bbaby run my baby run |
[Sunday
April 17th 5:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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TIRED |
] |
| [ |
music |
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right between the eyes |
] |
oh man so its been awhile
let me recount
monday
MSI was amazing good times good times
monday finsihed up MIdterms i did good (see later)
tuesday last day of quarter classes,good bye health class with my hoes
wensday first day of DLL for lab earth science,its so retarded ive done the next three weeks of work
thursday a certain teacher is a cunt
FRIDAY
we got to smash strawberries and bananas in lab biology and got our midterms back,i got a B so im happy till highschool assesments next month
painted signs with malena for de coco house,she painted my sandals,which are actually dans,gold
lunch was the same thing,I didnt have any work to do
mr grimms class was like it always is,we have to do memorize a part of the book and act it out monday,im doing a scene with greone the mexican itll be awesome
chemistry was dumb same old busy work and a quiz that was easy,i got an A on my midterm bitches
came home found kids books
dressed up as a ninja wih jackie and lynsdays stepdads ninja outfit cause hes a ninjitsu master randomly
i looked so funny,pictures posted later.
THE COCO HOUSE
so bitches we got there and set up,malena was a bum lynsday was a vampire kylie was a slutty jaguar and jackie was cinderella
got all set up
i read mulan once haha it was so sad bitchy little kids then ms cias moved in on my spot
hung around for awhile afterwards kylie and me went with de asians liz and francisca and drove aorund for awhile and what not
came home sat here fell asleep
today was stevies brithday party(my stepbrother) so i gave him 20 dollars and hung around there for a bit with kylie
left
went to the arundel mills mall which is fucking huge omg i was so lost
came home hung out with lynsday,we walked and got ice cream it was nice
saw francisca at the food place
did nothign at jackie and lynsdays
it was hot and gross so i left
now im here
and im tired and i have to get up and goto work in a couple hours so im gonna goto sleep
maybe on the trampoline
i love you all
and to all a good night
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[Wednesday
March 30th 5:28am] |
nothing crashes like the sun on a friday night
going down from the sky like a falcon in the sky
crash for me sun crash
i need a shard of the sun
to bring the light back into the world
to many people are hiding in the shadows
unable to see
crash for me sun crash for me
careful now the grounds still hot
i guess you fell so fast you burned right up
my sun crashed
my sun crashed
right in front of me
can you walk get yourself back together now
you look so confused with that twilight on your brow
crash for me sun crash for me
braver souls never fell
bend your will those with the clock work way they speak of life liberty and the pursuit of self indulgence
they bring you down hollow you out and bury you int he ground
crash for me sun crash for me
never seen a star blink out so quickly
never seen a moon shine so lustless
never seen a pair of eyes so empty
crash for me sun crash
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[Saturday
March 26th 3:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
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akward |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the sun is the sky and im by my lonesome |
] |
one girl crys as the day grows old
because she doesnt know where to go
"what happened to my home
uprooted from where i belong
how many more miles can i walk on this highway
before my legs give way and i find myself in a perverts pick up truck
another 100 miles to new york city and my legs are so sore
questions running through my head i know icant go home anymore
now i turn tricks to make it a little farther down the road
forced to suck the lowly dick whore tramp they call me such a slut
what waits for me at the end of I-95? more cries in the night another middle aged trucker having his way as i weep clutching the filthy bed sheets
i do what i gotta do to make myself hole again
to find my way home again
life seems so unfair when you have to strip bare so you dont starve another night
how many more days can i waste through this life
before my soul gives way and i find myself in the arms of another stranger called sex and drugs
i dont have to worry anymore i found a new mother
Lady e will always take care of me when i fall she knows where i land and cushions the impact
Mon cherie ectasy takes the memories away of those nights in the motels
another accident happens LADY E LADY PLEASE COME AND TAKE CARE OF ME"
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[Saturday
March 19th 3:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
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underacieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
so says i-the shins |
] |
today i felt home sick
not really home sick more like friend sick
i dont know why but ifeel really lonely its kinda sad
cause in maine id always have people to hang out with and i knew everyone
and now its weird cause its like the same people over and over again i mean ive made some new friends that ididnt know before but its like it was beforewhere i could just walk randomly into places and know people
im feeling some ninth grade nostalgia like i dunno its that weird feeling i havent had for a long time i wish itd go away
i hate work i want to quit i dont need the money and ifeel bad saying shit like that and being such a bitch cause some people need it oh welll i was never ghandi,but like when i have money i feel i dunno selffish i feel like i shouldnt be buying myself things its weirrd so i work to get paid to then not buy anything?
i feel kinda like i have a crush but im not sure on who you know? like i have that heavy feeling you get when you have one cep ti dont have one? its bothering me tomorrow i work from 12-5 so that way i cant do anything
i hate work
i dont know what id do anyways im tired of just doing the same crap over and over again maybe randomly someone will want to do something thatll fit those hours, ihate when people complain about not getting enough hours so i offer to let them work for me and then when i say the weekend they are like no! seriously people cmon,i want a boyfriend its sad we have prom in may and i dont have a date and i guess were renting a big limo and i want a serious date not just a joke one where i take a girl or anything unless it was margaret thats different
ive been getting alot of shit for being gay lately but oh well its alright they are just stupid
its a friday night and im sitting at my house
when i asked jackie and lynsday what was going down tonight cause malena and me wanted to see if anything wa happening jackie was just like well were going ot the movies then istood there and no one said anything so i got the feeling they didnt want us to come it kinda bothered me i need a weekend away
i dont really have anyone to confide in down here wheres my gabby and margaret when i need them
whats wrong with me this week
i need to meet new people were supposed to move in a couple months but iwant to move closer to baltimore not into pennsylvania like they want
i refuse to move to pennsylvania,hes checking out some houses that he worked near a little while ago in essex and westminster those places would be alright cept i dont know anyone in essex but he says the houses are nice.the plot of land in westminster is really tightly packed and cluttered i dont know if i like it
its really quiet right now
tomomorrow is probably gonna suck too
watching chobits makes me sad and im not sure why
i want a fluffy dog
josh was right i do have depency issues lol its like one night and im all blah about it
i think maybe thats why id make a bad boyfriend im a very needy person
theres always college
my school is weird its very sectioned with its people
its strange llike all week ive beeen waiting for the weekend and now iwant it over
whats up with the bad mood jeffery?
ill over it soon
i think i need to go away with people and go on a trip
and stay in a hotel
and just be completely be away
i think itd be fun
like a road trip
who wants to go on a road trip
im thinking florida or cali
even ocean city would be ok
i dont really feel depressed just under achieved
every two seconds this window pops up saying it cant save the draft then another window comes up its really annoying
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[Friday
March 18th 2:55am] |
i hate to say it but the eras fading fast
winds have blowns rockets have flown
and still im stuck on the ground
twistin like the tide
help Help help every life lived overrides
fading from your side
Help Help Every Life Lived Overrides
you can taste my fading in autumn
show my colors one last time
watch the snow blind
help help every life lived over rides
the lights fadin fast better make it last
till spring then the harp shall sing
of roses in bloomthe young men swoon
the girl in the red dress living like they know whats best
help Help Every Life Lived Overrides
its all happening at once what should i do
spend another era with you?oh what to do what to do
and i said it all in my hello to you
help Help Every Life Lived Overrides
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| so |
[Tuesday
March 15th 1:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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chuck berry |
] |
so here i was going to make a post wit hthe pictures i took but
( i had a better idea )
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| they made me feel bad |
[Friday
March 11th 12:35am] |
Child Abuse
*~*~*Sarah*~*~*
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be
bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug
me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked
up
All the day long.
When I awake I'm all alone
The house is
dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be
nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.
Don't make a
sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the
wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and
hits me
And yells at me more,
I try to get free
And I run for the
door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me
and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my
bones nearly broken,
And my dad continues
With more bad words spoken...
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has
been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again
and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And
he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.
There are
thousands of kids out there just like Sarah. And you can help.
If you
just read this and don't pass it on I pray for your forgiveness, cause you would
have to be one heartless )ass motha fukin prsn who should rot in hell)person to
not be effected by this email. And because you are effected, do something about
it!! All I am asking you to do, is take some time to send this on and
acknowledge that this stuff does happen, and that people like her dad do live in
our society,and I pray for child abuse to wither out and die, but also pray for
the safety of our youth.
Please pass this poem on because as crazy as it
might sound, it might just indirectly change a life. Hey, you NEVER know.
Please forward if you are *~*~*AGAINST CHILD ABUSE *~*~*
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[Tuesday
March 1st 2:13am] |
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[Thursday
February 24th 1:08pm] |
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